I know I said I was traveling further north. I was lying. I traveled west; far west. A few days ago this email from Gestation blinked into my inbox:

“To All Concerned, a private screening of Delirious has been set up for Hugh Hefner at The Playboy Mansion.”

I kid you not. The phone call I got from Gestation a day later proved it was no joke. Hefner had liked the film so much he wanted to meet me. Gestation quickly arranged a flight. 6 hours later I was in LA.

I won’t bore you with the details of the Mansion. I’m sure you’ve all seen the videos and Girls of Summer DVD’s like I have. Suffice it to say there were not nearly as many stains on the carpets and furniture as I had imagined. The meeting took place in The Oaken Office, Hef’s private business suite. As I had imagined however, Hef was accompanied by three blonde sisters wearing glasses and bikini workout outfits as they sat on the floor taking notes. Hef looked a little tired but his grip was strong when he shook my hand. “I really enjoyed your film, Tom. It showed true vision and style.”

“Thank you, Mr. Hefner,” I managed to reply.

“And the acting was really great,” added Truedi, one of the blondes at his feet. Hef looked down at her with a smile. “Who did you like the best, True?”

“Oh, Bushemi,” she stated, surprising me by using the correct pronunciation. “Me too,” said Kailee, peering over her glasses. “He kind of reminded me of you, Uncle Hef.”

“Well, I think that’s a compliment,” Hef chuckled.

“It is, it is!” Emberly cried. “He’s so sexy.”

Hef patted her head and quickly got down to business. “You know, Tom, many people have said that when I started Playboy I turned sex into an art form. I consider myself an artist. And it greatly troubles me to see an artist like yourself struggling so hard to survive. I have to ask you: why, just two weeks after it opened, Delirious is only playing the late show in Santa Monica?”

I regarded him for a moment before inquiring, “What’s your relationship with Gestation, Mr. Hefner?”

“I believe I met Arnold at last month’s Pyjama Poetry Party. George has been here once or twice but he always brings his wife,” Hefner mused. Kailee then spoke so softly it seemed she was talking to herself. “I thought that was his mother.”

“Are you in business with them?” I ventured carefully.

Hef frowned in thought. “No,” he said. “I think they just come over here to get laid.” He turned and all three blonde heads nodded in unison.

“Well, good,” I said. “Because you asked me an honest question and I’d like to give you an honest answer. I’m extremely grateful to Gestation for financing and releasing my film. But I think in this over-crowded marketplace they were too cautious. They didn’t spend enough to help audiences find the film. And so, it just died.”

“Oh, that’s terrible,” Kailee said. “You got such great reviews.”

“You did,” echoed Emberly. “I loved the piece in The New Yorker.”

“Thank you, Emberly,” I said, amazed I’d remembered her name. “We even got 2 Thumbs Up from Ebert and Roeper but instead of pushing that forward Gestation cut back all its advertising in LA this week. They said the numbers didn’t justify the expense.”

“How long did it take you to make it?” Truedi asked quietly.

“Six years,” I replied. Truedi shook her head softly as she wrote the number down on her yellow legal pad. Hef stood up suddenly, surprising everyone. “Rule Number One:” he snarled, “You’ve got to spend money to make money!”

I was stunned. Not only was this self-built billionaire agreeing with me he was also quoting one of Buscemi’s lines from the film! “Alright, girls,” Hef snapped. “Take off those clothes and hand them to me!”

Emberly leapt to her feet with a sharp cry of surprise and ran sobbing from the room. Hef’s heavy sigh did little to soften the offended glare in the eyes of Truedi and Kailee. “I meant, type up those notes and hand them to me,” the weary man corrected himself. He grabbed my shoulder and lead me out of the room. “Let’s go to the Grotto for a man to man.”

I know you’re all thinking this is crazy. Imagine how I felt. Literally a day before I was in Vermont grinding through poplar trees with a dull, smoky chain saw and now I was sitting beside a semi-nude Hugh Hefner in the lukewarm water of his famed underground Grotto. Hef wore a leopard print thong. Mine was fluorescent orange graciously provided by the staff. Before turning to me Hef waved half-heartedly to Charlie Sheen and Kevin Costner standing in the waist deep water with colorful drinks in their hands. “You got screwed, Tom,” Hef said.

“Did I?”

“No question,” Hef stated. “You see, Power runs this business. It’s the only thing anybody responds to. It’s the only thing that makes anybody do anything. You had no Power. So, they screwed you.”

I took the joint he handed me. “I fought as hard as I could, Hef.”

“I know you did, but they had you by the balls. You’ve got to figure out a way to get them by the balls.” Hef took off his thong and flung it onto the silver tray of the topless Asian girl swimming by with champagne. “I think I can help you,” he said, stretching out again with a soft grunt of contentment. “You made a great flick. It’s a work of art.”

“Well, thanks, Hef,” I said. “I really appreciate that.”

“I told you; I’m an artist,” Hef replied. “I recognize other artists and I’d like you to make me a movie.”

I choked on my toke and almost dropped the joint in the water. “Are you serious?”  

“Absotively. Let me tell you where I’m going with this. I’ve checked out the Delirious website and I’ve seen all the video skits you did to promote the film. They’re fuckin’ genius.”

“Well, no, Hef. I had a lot of help with them; especially from this kid, Chioke Nassor.”

“Good,” Hef said. “Bring Chokey along. “I’d like you to do a bunch of short films for me.”  

“Oh,” I said, instantly depressed. “Not a feature?”

“No,” Hef went on quickly now, “A bunch of shorts. You’ve got a real touch with them. My favorite was the clip with Gina Gershon.”

“Yeah,” I said. “She’s a fine actress and a good friend.”

“She’s fricken hot,” Hef muttered. “I offered her a million bucks to do a spread for Playboy after Showgirls came out. She turned me down. Can you believe it?”

 “Well,” I said, “I’m not sure everybody is comfortable with that kind of thing…”

“Comfortable? Hell, I’d stick a Ringding up my butt for a million bucks,” Hef snapped with still palpable offense. “Wouldn’t you?”

Before I could answer Hef yelled out, his voice echoing along the low-slung caves and channels of the Grotto. “Aw, Kimberlee! Come on! How many times have I told you, leave the hair alone!!”

Far across the Grotto, backlit by a flickering turquoise light, a shocked, terrified and topless Kimberlee held what appeared to be a drowned hamster in her outstretched hand. Behind her a nude and now bald Kevin Kostner was swimming away as hard as he could. Hef finally turned his attention back to me. “Look, Tom, here’s the deal. The clip you made with Gina was super hot. You know why? Because it was so smart and funny and because you never showed the SEX! You understand me?” “Yeah, I think I do,” I said, slightly distracted by Kimberlee climbing up the narrow Grotto steps holding the soggy pelt at arm’s length.

‘Yeah, you do,” Hef said solemnly. “And that’s why I’m giving you 2 million to do another one for me.”

This time I did drop the joint. “Another one? With Gina?”

“You bet your ass with Gina. You’re a genius; make it smart and funny like the first one. Like, you bring her to a hotel room to do a video interview for Delirious and she doesn’t know you’ve brought her there to do a sex tape that you’re going to leak to the web.”

“Right, right,” I said, picking up on his enthusiasm and getting psyched myself. “So how is it different?”

Hef plucked the floating roach out of the water, sniffed it then flicked it into the begonias behind us. “It’s smart and funny and sexy because you don’t show the sex. OK? You got me? It’s smart and funny and everybody thinks it’s so sexy because you don’t show the sex and then, BAM–you show the sex!”

“What sex?” I asked, completely flummoxed.

“The sex TAPE, you meatball!” Hef laughed and shoved me playfully against the famous Lesbian Fountain wetly lapping the rocks behind me. “You shoot Gina having sex with someone. Could be anybody. Her boyfriend, a stranger; me…”

“No, no, ” I blurted. “I could never ask her to do something like that.”

Hef turned to me and bathed me in a smile of intense confidence and support. “Sure you could. That clip’s got over 200,000 hits on YouTube. Can you imagine what it would have gotten if you’d actually showed the sex tape?!”

“But there is no sex tape, Hef,” I said. “That was the whole point.”

“And that’s why your film is dead in Los Angeles,” Hef stated, staring at me. “A week after it opened.”

His grin returned, not quite as supportive now. “You said you wanted Power. Well, trust me, my artsy-fartsy friend; Sex Sells. Just get Gershon to really have sex on videotape. Millions of people will instantly become aware of your movie. They’ll start buying tickets. The numbers will go up and then you will have Gestation by the balls. “

I didn’t know what to say. So, I said nothing and returned Hef’s stare in a long silence that was finally broken by the concentrated splashing of Truedi, Kailee and Emberly swimming towards us pushing a floating wicker tray containing their now typewritten notes.

3 hours later I write this on the plane back east; still slightly stoned and my fingertips still wrinkled from the Grotto’s lukewarm water.

Posted by:Tom

28 thoughts on “ 27. Confession ”

  1. That’s one of the funniest stories I’ve heard in a while. A private showing at the Playboy mansion…Really, how random is that? Awesome, too, though.

    And an idea for the Gina sex tape Hef so badly wants: Take the sex scene from Bound and badly edit some guy’s head onto Jennifer Tilly’s body. Leave her tits there though, just for added fun. Voila! Kidding, of course, but that’s pretty funny. Have you told Gina about it? I’ll bet she’d get a kick out of it.

    Jessica

  2. Hey Jessica,
    Truth is stranger than fiction. Have you checked out the podcast we already did with Gina? See links to the right.
    I’m back in Vermont now, itching to get the chainsaw out.
    best,
    Tom

  3. Tom,

    If there’s anyone who knows the ups and downs of the entertainment industry, it’s you. I must say, your Hugh Hefner story takes any journal entry from “Notes From Overboard.” You have proven to the film industry movie after movie that quality gets lost in the big business machine of the major motion picture industry. You have taught us all that making a “hit” indie movie is as much about luck and circumstance as it is about vision and hard work.

    Congratulations on the shining reviews. I greatly anticipate seeing your film.

    Sincerely,

    Nick

  4. Hey Kevin. Thanks for the heads up. I haven’t seen the Ebert review yet but I’m glad it is positive. Hopefully it will help us in Chicago. The Boston reviews are starting to come in and again are largely favorable.
    It is truly amazing the support is getting from people. Now if they only knew where the film was playing…
    best,
    Tom

  5. My own Ms. Mona,
    Truedi said Bushemi because that is the correct way to pronounce it. Steve said so himself last month when he appeared on Regis and Kelly. They spent 5 of his 5.5 minutes talking about it.
    Phonetically spelled his name would be Boo Shem Mee.
    As far as being stoned I cannot affirm or deny…
    Mucho besto,
    Tom

  6. Hey Nick,
    Thanks very much for the kind words and astute observations. I’m extremely flattered you’re even aware of Notes From Overboard let alone having read it.
    Yes, Independent Film is actually governed now by the exact same idiotic priorities as Hollywood film. Therefore luck, chance, accident, incompetence, stupidity and cowardice all have the same powerful effect.
    As I’ve said to others who’ve written in, your words of encouragement are extremely inspiring. I will continue my fight and urge you to continue yours.
    Where do you live? Do you know if Delirious is coming to your area? I don’t know if you saw the comment by the famous Chris W who called his local theater and threatened to clog all their toilets if they didn’t book Delirious. Apparently he got their attention.
    My best to you.
    Tom

  7. I am a sophomore film student at Baylor University in Waco, TX and am hoping that “Delirious” comes to either Dallas or Austin, because Waco is definitely not on the independent film radar. I saw David Lynch premeire his new movie “Inland Empire” in Austin last year and am wondering what you think about his efforts to independently distribute his own movie?

    I actually have an “autographed” copy of Notes From Overboard that I ordered off e-bay about five years ago. I have always doubted the authenticity of the signature, but I guess now is as opportune a time as any to ask if it could just be real?

    My twin brother and I are hopeful filmmakers and have been inspired for a long by your hard work against the mainstream tide. If you ever have an opening for two hard working interns, please let me know 🙂

  8. I have seen it! A good number of times, actually, because it’s too funny to watch just once. That and the Michael Pitt casting one are my two favorites of the bunch; Kieren saying “smooches” cracked me up.

    Try not to go all Leatherface on anyone! Unless, of course, you think it would make for good publicity…

    Jessica

  9. I caught that episode, even though I’d normally rather walk through plate glass than listen to Kelly Ripa.
    Be glad I didn’t mention anything about “Kostner”. 😉

    I tease because I love.

    I’m glad you’re still not crazy.

  10. Hello again Nick,
    I’m pretty sure the signature is real. There was a limited edition of the book and I signed a bunch for the publisher.

    I think there is a good chance Delirious will come to either Dallas or Waco; perhaps this good Ebert review will light some fires. I have tremendous respect for David Lynch. He is one of the true innovators in film. He is literally inventing film language. Mulholland Drive was a work of genius. I haven’t seen Inland Empire only because I’ve been working night and day for the last 2 years trying to get Delirious out there. I know it is a challenging film. I think it is very impressive that Lynch attempted his own release. This stranglehold that distributors have over films is infuriating. They choose which films get life and which get death. Some take more risks than others but for the main part they’re all just looking to cash in.
    Delirous did not go the normal distribution route. It is being released by the same company that financed it–and it is the first film they’ve ever released. When it is all over I’ll write that story.
    I wish you and your brother the best. Perhaps this will help: think of it less as a battle against the mainstream tide and more as steady progression toward making films that truly and absolutely excite you.
    I will take your offer as interns to heart. I’m not kidding.
    Hasta luego,
    Tom

  11. Hello Jessica,
    I figured you had seen it–just wanted to make sure. I was very pleased with Kieran Culkin in the Michael Pitt skit. He’s going to be in my next film and he came in on an hour’s notice to join us. The “smooches” was totally his.
    No, I won’t be going Leatherface. I get angry but not homicidal.
    I’m in a bizarre calm at the moment but I know the chainsaw is just waiting to start up again.
    best,
    Tom
    ps. The only part of confession that is true is that they actually did screen the film for Hefner last week.

  12. Hello Mona,
    I love your kidding. It is genuinely inspiring. It keeps me focused and I’m not joking.
    Yeah, that talk show is pretty insipid–though I have to give Kelly some props for interrupting towards the end of the blather and yelling, “Hey, let’s talk about Delirious!”
    And, I fear I am still crazy. I’m just putting it into smaller, more neatly wrapped packages.
    It is a crazy time. The film is getting more consistently good reviews than any of my films and I am in the hands of morons. Actually there are two things in the Confession blog that are true; a screening was set up for Hef and Delirious is now only playing a late-night screening in Santa Monica.
    Anyway. My vacation is almost over. In a few days I will return to NY and start trying to get my next film started.
    best,
    Tom

  13. Hmmm…. Good to know when this applies: “It should be noted that every word written here is true with the exception of the stuff that was made up.”

  14. Well at least you’ve shown that you haven’t lost any of your creative storytelling abilities! Made up or not, this entry is still one of the funniest things I’ve read recently.

    Good luck with the new film, by the way. 🙂

    Jessica

  15. Ooh, never thought about threatening to clog the toilets. It’s an old theater with just a couple of them, it wouldn’t take very long, and I should be there in the next couple weeks ’cause they’re finally screening Interview, yay. (Just a side note, I’m actually a she.)

    I had the same thought as Jessica about substituting another sex scene, although the one that popped into my mind was the one Gina Gershon did with Denis Leary a couple of weeks ago on Rescue Me–it was very funny and you must have an in with him, right? 😉

  16. My dear Sarah,
    Good eye. And my lawyer suggests I stand by it. What the hell–it’s my way of poking a stick at some of these idjits. I chuckle and chortle all the way out to the garage where the chainsaw waits.
    best,
    Tom

  17. Thanks Jessica,
    As I wrote to Mona, 2 things in the piece are true; Hef screened the film and Delirious is only playing the late show in Santa Monica. Enough to get me going apparently. You see it is true; all comedy comes out of agony.
    best,
    Tom

  18. Ms Chris,
    Thanks for correcting me on your gender. Clogging toilets sounds more like something I would do anyway.
    But, your action to contact the theater was very inspiring and I’m going to keep holding you up as an example.
    No, the video podcasts are done. Right now I’m just trying to get Gestation to pick up the cue and use these strong reviews to show more faith in the film.
    I didn’t see the episode with Gina and Denis. My “in” there went “out” shortly after shooting ended on Double Whammy.
    best,
    Tom

  19. Hi
    I am sure you have already received a copy of Ray Pride’s sophomoric review of “Delerious” in Chicago’s New City newspaper. I have been president of the Board of Directors of Chicago’s Facets Multimedia for many years and Pride’s reviews have been getting on my nerves for about the same amount of time. Basically, he loves those movies where he can be in the presence of somebody really famous so his reviews are generally regarded as less than zero. You know what I mean. He’s the ultimate “kiss-ass” reviewer.
    When I went to the Music Box Theatre to see “Delerious,” I joked with the manager that I had read Pride’s “review” and he admired my courage for showing up. He had never expected such hostility for a movie that was, in his opinion, a real gem. The Music Box struggles along with inependent and foreign films and a really negative review can hurt their income.
    I think you should know: (1) the film did rather well the night I saw it; (2) the audience clearly enjoyed it; (3) the film got actual applause at the end (a real rarity for any movie in Chicago); (4) later, people stood in front of the theatre sharing their “favorite parts” and telling each other how they were going to send their friends.
    As the parent of two film students, I know that no matter how successful you think you are, a few genuine compliments never hurt. Your screenplay was delightful. You extracted Buscemi’s best performance from a career of a lot fo great performances. Days later, in our home, we are still shouting lines from the movie at each other (“The bigger the ass the bigger the asshole” is a favorite)
    Thanks a bunch for a great film

  20. Hey David,
    Thanks for your note. I actually hadn’t seen Mr. Pride’s review. But when you say there was hostility in it I’m both unsurprised and depressed at the same time. Delirious is the most human, humane, soulful and heartfelt movie I have made. I suppose if someone without any of those qualities encounters the film their only response could be fear and hostility.
    If his reviews are regarded as less than zero why was the theater manager concerned? But on a more constructive note, if you really disagree with his take why don’t you write a letter to the paper stating what you saw in the film? I’m serious. First it would take the wind out of Pride’s sails and second it would show that people are willing to defend the film. As you can imagine, it is not something I can do personally because it only comes off that I’m being defensive about my film.
    But I’m very glad you liked the film and I really appreciate your assessment of the audience for me. It helps to know what’s going on in other cities.
    Mostly though I want to say thanks very much for trusting your own instincts and going to the film on your own motivation. If everyone did that, then oh my god, there might not be a need for critics.
    As Jean Luc Godard said, “A film critic is like a soldier who fires on his own troops.
    My best to you and your two film students.
    Onward.
    Tom

  21. Hey there Tom. I just saw Delirius at Cinema Village East and thought it was just spectacular. I went to go see it on the advice of my former college advisor. I wrote you a rave review on imdb.com, a ten out of ten.

    What really grabbed me was the way you managed to make the film so amusing, without it drowning in satire. The emotional struggles felt genuine. Especially wonderful was the scene at the Les’ parents, and the moment Kharma brings Toby back to her hotel. The ending seemed so perfect.

    Last year I had a novel published titled “Going Down in La-La Land,” and it has similar themes. So in that way I could identify with aspects like the need for approval, for validation, not to be thought of as a “PEON!”

    The cast was great, and that Michael Pitt was a real find. Hats off to ya for making a gem of a film.

    Andy

  22. Hey Andy,
    Thanks very much for writing. Thanks even more for going to see the film. Thanks even even more for the supportive review. You clearly picked up on what was a real challenge for me; making the film funny but not making it sarcastic, or demeaning. The realization ulitmately came to me when I was casting some of the major secondary roles. People would come in to audition that had me on the floor howling. But something was missing. When Callie Thorne (Gabi–K’harma’s manager) came in and brought her absolutely real affection and devotion to her child star, I said, this is what the movie needs. The realer these people are the better.
    I’m going to check out your book. As you can see I have a morbid fascination with the machinery of this biz.
    How was the audience at the screening you went to? Anybody there?
    I sincerely appreciate your taking the time to write.
    Tell your friends about the film if you can.
    best,
    Tom

  23. I’m telling everybody to go see it.

    It was a pretty decent crowd for a Monday night. There was a collective energy, a lot of laughs. So hopefully those people are passing along some great word as well.

    I’d love to get your feedback on the book. I’m sure you’d be able to offer some acute observations. The protagonists have a lot of similarities to Les. Oddballs desperate to make it, be somebody. Yet despite all their issues still likeable, like Les.

  24. Hey Andy,
    Thanks so much for spreading the word. It looks like we’ll get another week in NY. My request for a mid-week ad just to remind people the film is still playing went completely unanswered.
    I’m serious about wanting to read your book. Shall I get it online or can your “people” send me a copy?
    Either way, just let me know.
    best,
    Tom

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