It’s crazy; no sooner do I finish When You’re Strange, finding myself adrift yet again in a vast sea of nextfilm limbo, then my old friend Jimmy decides to reappear. You may recall our last encounter several months ago just before he headed west to direct the next Batman film.
As jealous as I was then of his incredible good fortune it turns out it was wasted negative energy. He got fired from the 200 million dollar film for resisting the producers’ demand that Trini Immlet, the film’s 7 year old co-star, get breast implants. The firing seems to have woken Jimmy up to his true calling; political journalism.
“Oh, man, I’m totally into it,” he said last night at The Dip Stick, a Young Republican hang out on the upper east side. I was alarmed to see Jimmy sporting a tight new haircut, a red sports coat, an American flag necktie with an American flag pinned on both his jacket and the tie. But he assured me his neo-patriot look was just a disguise. Later he was meeting one of his ‘contacts’ for an upcoming interview with Glenn Beck.
“Movies are nowhere,” he rushed on. “Art is nowhere. Politics is the new drug and I’m on a mega-dose right now.”
“Which side are you on?” I asked warily.
“I’m on no side, man. I’m only out for the Truth.”
“What’s the Truth?”
“The Truth,” Jimmy said, “is something you’ve read or heard somebody say.”
He’s been working as a freelance journalist, “writing rogue” as he calls it, for almost a year. Getting fired from a mainstream Hollywood movie earned Jimmy major cred from the Right Wing press. He’s been granted unprecedented access to such heavy hitters as Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin. His articles have appeared all over the web.
He showed me one he’d just written on Palin for ReLoad.Kom and I instantly felt my jealousy return. He really was out for the Truth and I was proud of him. I was so impressed my resentment stuck around even after Jimmy gave me permission to reprint excerpts of his piece here.
SARAH PALIN FOR LUNCH
by Jimmy Spangle
Moments after I sat down Governor Palin served us lunch, one of her own recipes called a Hotdogburger, which was raw hotdog ground up, made into a patty, grilled and served on a hamburger bun. We quickly got down to one of the Big questions, Women In Politics. Unsurprisingly Palin avidly embraces the idea of women as Mothers, Patriots and Leaders. Judging by the millions of downloads of this photo her fans do too.
“Oh, that’s not me,” Palin exclaimed. “Somebody just photostuck my head on some gal’s body. I’ve got a tattoo I can’t show you of Todd’s name where I use my bellybutton for the O.”
“Do you think women in bikinis with guns are sexy?”
“Not this gal cuz she’s kinda sloppy around the hips, but my lord nothing like Hilary Clinton. That poor woman looks like a walking sack of mashed potatoes. But, sure, I think a sexy woman has power. See, women are powerful cuz we can be hard and we can be soft. Men can be hard but they can’t be soft. I mean they can but where’s the fun in that?”
The former Governor winked twice, the second time so hard I thought a mosquito had gotten snagged in her mascara.
“And it’s time to give women the power,” she went on. “We’re strong, we’re American and we know how to take care of our young. ”
“What part do you feel intelligence plays?”
“You’re against abortion of any kind.”
“Oh, you betcha.”
“Rachael Maddow stated on MSNBC last week that if a 12 year old girl was raped by her father you would be in favor of the government forcing her to have the baby. Some people might find that a little extreme.”
Palin’s brow furrowed in deep concern which was a little disorienting because she was still smiling. “Killing a little baby is wrong,” she said softly. “And it’s not extreme. In fact if you checked some fact checking you’ll see that five major Republican Senate candidates, including my very own Joe Miller have all come out into the public with their same views.”
I was a bit confused. “I thought Republicans and Tea Partiers wanted less government interference in American lives.”
Palin leaned closer to explain. “Look, it’s a woman thing; you wouldn’t understand. Take my baby Trig. I had him, didn’t I? I coulda just said well, this little bunny egg is cracked or broken or whatever but I didn’t do that, didn’t I? That’s cuz I’m a mother and he’s a living creature and God loves him and I do too.”
“If you’d been raped by your father when you were 12, and you became pregnant, would you have had the baby?”
Palin’s eyes narrowed and chilled like the fading Alaskan afternoon. “My dad’s a total loving sweetie pie. He’d never do such a nasty thing. Last question.”
“Have you ever shot a grizzly bear?”
“Oh, you betcha,” she grinned, glad to be back on familiar ground. “I brought her down in four shots.”
“Why so many?
“Simple, you ninny. One for the mama and one for each of the cubs.”