This just in: I’ve just been informed that someone claiming to be Michael Pitt has sent word (again) that he will not be doing any press for Delirious. According to this “Michael Pitt” he was going to do press until he saw the fake video podcast we made in which Kieran Culkin agrees to play a character named Michael Pitt in order to do a great press opportunity for Delirious by appearing on Letterman.
I know this alleged “Michael Pitt” is an impostor. His real name is probably Michael Pite, or Mitchell Tipp or Mickey Pittle. The real Michael Pitt is more than smart enough to know that any press opportunities for him to help promote Delirious ended 3 months ago. In fact we have a very gracious letter from his agent/lawyer/life coach, dated June 11, 2007, that clearly states the real Michael Pitt would not be doing any press for Delirious. So, watch out the fake “Michael Pitt.” We’re on to you.
And now some apologies are in order. Apparently the folks at Gestation (a fictitious company) have taken offense at the way they (fictitious people) have been portrayed in several of the blogs. I take complete responsibility for this indiscretion and do hereby offer my sincere regrets.
First to “Arnold.” I am truly sorry for making you nothing more than a half-formed idea. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was wretchedly cruel of me to imagine you into life so incompletely. I don’t even know if you are young or old, black or white, thin or fat. “Arnold”, my deepest apologies. You do not exist. What fate could be worse? You have no company called “Gestation.” You have no vintage pinball machines in your non-existent office for “flair.” Alas, you have no flair.
You do have a “wife” but I’m sorry to say she is not losing weight. Perhaps of more immediate concern is the fact that she doesn’t have a face. I never got around to giving her one. I’m sorry.
And now, to “George.” It’s time to fess up. You do exist. You’re based on a gay man I knew once whom I liked a lot. I figured making you straight and giving you a wife would be the most foolproof way to keep people from ever suspecting you were actually Jorge Mipple from 17724 El Camino Drive, LA, CA. I’m sorry to out you like this Jorge but the time of lies and deceit is over.
You were the only one who actually had a film company though it’s real name was Turd de Force, not “Gestation.” It was to this company that I first submitted Delirious in September of 2004. I was so impressed with your company logo I saved it. I present it now as proof of your existence and as a further expression of my admiration of its originality.
All of my revelations about your “character” were formed during my visits to your Los Angeles office where we discussed the script. You had a monkey; a spidery little ringtail named Cheeko who was so smart he could roll his poopies up into tight little balls and hurl them at people in the room.
Perhaps it was the repeated exposure to this unrelenting simian abuse that prompted my less than flattering portrait of you in some of the blogs. This is a miserable excuse but sadly it is the only one I can think of. I state here publicly and without duress, that except for your being a prick, everything else I wrote about you was made up.
Actually, it was my friend Jimmy who said you were a prick but he’s made up too and he should know better.
So, let’s recap. There is no “Gestation”. There is no “Arnold.” There is a “George” but he’s really Jorge. There is a monkey. As for Jimmy, that issue is still being discussed by Dr. Owen and myself. Nonetheless I would ask my readers to rigorously bear these truths in mind whenever these fake characters have the nerve to reappear.