This just in: I’ve just been informed that someone claiming to be Michael Pitt has sent word (again) that he will not be doing any press for Delirious. According to this “Michael Pitt” he was going to do press until he saw the fake video podcast we made in which Kieran Culkin agrees to play a character named Michael Pitt in order to do a great press opportunity for Delirious by appearing on Letterman.

I know this alleged “Michael Pitt” is an impostor. His real name is probably Michael Pite, or Mitchell Tipp or Mickey Pittle. The real Michael Pitt is more than smart enough to know that any press opportunities for him to help promote Delirious ended 3 months ago. In fact we have a very gracious letter from his agent/lawyer/life coach, dated June 11, 2007, that clearly states the real Michael Pitt would not be doing any press for Delirious. So, watch out the fake “Michael Pitt.” We’re on to you.

And now some apologies are in order. Apparently the folks at Gestation (a fictitious company) have taken offense at the way they (fictitious people) have been portrayed in several of the blogs. I take complete responsibility for this indiscretion and do hereby offer my sincere regrets.

First to “Arnold.” I am truly sorry for making you nothing more than a half-formed idea. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was wretchedly cruel of me to imagine you into life so incompletely. I don’t even know if you are young or old, black or white, thin or fat. “Arnold”, my deepest apologies. You do not exist. What fate could be worse? You have no company called “Gestation.” You have no vintage pinball machines in your non-existent office for “flair.” Alas, you have no flair.

You do have a “wife” but I’m sorry to say she is not losing weight. Perhaps of more immediate concern is the fact that she doesn’t have a face. I never got around to giving her one. I’m sorry.

And now, to “George.” It’s time to fess up. You do exist. You’re based on a gay man I knew once whom I liked a lot. I figured making you straight and giving you a wife would be the most foolproof way to keep people from ever suspecting you were actually Jorge Mipple from 17724 El Camino Drive, LA, CA. I’m sorry to out you like this Jorge but the time of lies and deceit is over.

You were the only one who actually had a film company though it’s real name was Turd de Force, not “Gestation.” It was to this company that I first submitted Delirious in September of 2004. I was so impressed with your company logo I saved it. I present it now as proof of your existence and as a further expression of my admiration of its originality.

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All of my revelations about your “character” were formed during my visits to your Los Angeles office where we discussed the script. You had a monkey; a spidery little ringtail named Cheeko who was so smart he could roll his poopies up into tight little balls and hurl them at people in the room.

Perhaps it was the repeated exposure to this unrelenting simian abuse that prompted my less than flattering portrait of you in some of the blogs. This is a miserable excuse but sadly it is the only one I can think of.  I state here publicly and without duress, that except for your being a prick, everything else I wrote about you was made up.

Actually, it was my friend Jimmy who said you were a prick but he’s made up too and he should know better.

So, let’s recap. There is no “Gestation”. There is no “Arnold.” There is a “George” but he’s really Jorge. There is a monkey. As for Jimmy, that issue is still being discussed by Dr. Owen and myself. Nonetheless I would ask my readers to rigorously bear these truths in mind whenever these fake characters have the nerve to reappear.

Posted by:Tom

22 thoughts on “ 35. Apology ”

  1. Wow. What a godsend to find this site. Been looking for info on Delirious for some time now and now this!

    Being somewhat of a self-proclaimed DiCillionado it’s mighty nice to have this amazing blog to ponder over. I do hope the movie makes it over to the UK. I know it’s gonna be a winner as all your previous films take up most of my top 10.

    Many regards,

    Will in London

  2. Hey Will,
    Thanks for writing. I’m glad you stumbled upon us. The distributor “Gestation” is now secluding any info on what is happening with Delirious outside the US in a small box somewhere in Los Angeles.

    The last I heard, several months ago, was that a sale had been made to a company called Momentum in the UK but the they were only going to release it on DVD. I tried very hard to change their minds but apparently I only succeeded in infuriating them for deigning to contact them in the first place.

    Perhaps you can find out what they’re up to. In any event, welcome to the asylum.

    best,
    Tom

  3. This must be a fun business to work in. What the fuck should they care, if the “numbers” aren’t good enough then why would they care about a few lousy people seeing them mocked on youtube?

  4. Hey Sam,
    I love the crackling logic and humor of your question. You are absolutely right. These “fictitious” people trample through the room wearing cinderblock boots and then their fake feelings get hurt when a fly 2 miles away farts in their direction.

    Oh, it’s FUN alright.

    best,
    Tom

  5. I can’t see how a wife with no face would be a problem. The obesity is unfortunate but not a deal breaker, I suspect. But what do I know?

    You would think all that time in The Grotto would have softened their hides a little.

  6. Hey Mona,
    Rule #1: The bigger the bully the more fragile their feelings. What the hell. Moving on.

    I feel bad for the wife with no face. She can’t even express silent surprise at her husband’s idiocity.

    yore pal,
    Tom

  7. Tom,

    I have it directly from the horses mouths at Gestation that this site is completely satire. I should not believe a word of it. Their words not mine.

    As a long time Gestation investor, I was very disappointed in their treatment of Delirious. It is possible that Delirious could be crap and should never have been released. But then why make all of the demands at Sundance that unless a company was willing to put in the advertising bucks, then Delirious was not available for distribution in the US for any price?

    Quite frankly, they should have sold at Sundance for the best they could get and then made the bucks on Canadian distribution of the movie and DVDs.

    They are normally much better businessmen than this over at Gestation and it is sad that it had to come to this. As an investor, I called them on the carpet over this stuff over a month ago and was told that they had top men working on it, really top men. They also said not to believe a word that you write.

    It looks like maybe they aren’t taking this “complete satire” stuff too lightly.

  8. Hey Daaron,
    Good to hear from you again. Thought maybe we’d lost you after all these years.
    Yup, it’s all satire. Everything. Even the reviews. There is no such person as Roger Ebert. In fact, after this “release” there is some question whether I even exist.
    But, I’m glad the Top Men are on it. I’d hate to think what might have happened if they’d put the Bottom Men in charge.

    In all sincerity, I thank you for writing, David. And I thank you for your interest in what happens to this film.

    best,
    Tom

  9. Just got this from the DVD press lady at Momentum:

    *****************************

    I’m sorry Will, but I don’t think this is a Momentum Pictures title. Do you
    know who the distributor is?

    Sally Young – CBC PR

    *****************************

    hmmmm….

  10. Hey Will,
    Thanks for the quick investigative work. This response from Sally Young is truly disturbing…and yet tediously typical at this point. If she really knows nothing about the film then some form of writing is on the wall. Otherwise the only other explanation is that the deal fell apart. Which means for the moment at least there is no plan to release Delirious in the UK, either theatrically or on DVD.
    I’m just so thrilled.
    Lemme know what you dig up.
    best,
    Tom

  11. Will do. This whole scenario reminds me of my own years of very similar struggles within the music industry. If anything, this seems even bleaker though given your track record and the names involved with the project. The dig continues!

    Will

  12. Well I played guitar in a band called Rachel Stamp for 10 years. Various labels, “managers” and lots of bullshit. This year I co-wrote and produced The singer Johnette Napolitano’s first solo album and I just joined another band called Dragons based in Bristol over here http://www.dragons.cc . Few examples up here: http://www.myspace.com/willcrewdson including some new instrumental stuff I just finished. Would be honoured if you could find the time to check it out.

    Will

  13. The latest from Sally:

    *****************************

    No sorry, and I’ve checked the schedule and it’s not on the Momentum
    schedule, nor that of Revolver (Momentum distributes their product).

    *****************************

    I’ll try and get some other contact there and see if they say the same thing

    Will

  14. Hey Tom,

    On a completely different topic, I was wondering if anyone or yourself had adapted Living in Oblivion to the stage yet? I’m a huge fan and I’d love to know about its status. I find there are a lot of theatrical elements which would translate well onstage and, as a writer myself, I’m eager to try my hand at it. Could you or your agent get back to me so we can discuss this possibility further? You can reach me at x_ion@hotmail.com. However, if God forbid, it’s already been done, who did it? Where was it shown? How was it received? When you get a chance, ’cause I know you’re really busy right now. Thanks!

    Christion Schnobb

  15. Hey Will,
    I just checked out your site. The music is fantastic. It’s a whole new world of stuff to check out. The Johnette Napolitano cut “Scarred” is awesome, as are your instrumentals. I put a link to your site in my blog roll.
    It is astonishing the number of identical influences we have; Wall Of Voodoo, Bo Diddley, Kraftwerk, Yello, Peewee Herman… I had an LP of Bo Diddley’s which I think was called Surfin’ With Bo. It was incredible. I fucking lost it. I do own 2 Teiscos though.
    I plan to return to your site frequently to listen and discover.
    Thanks for the tip.
    best,
    Tom

  16. Oh wow. Thanks so much for checking it out and for the kind words. Glad to know my fave director has great taste in music! Johnette once did an album with the late Wall of Voodoo guitarist Marc Moreland under the name Pretty and Twisted which is well worth checking out. An undiscovered gem. Yeah Diddley is basically god. Would love to hear the Surf stuff – I think Bo Diddley’s a Gunslinger is my favourite album.

    What Teiscos do you own?

    Cheers for the link – that’s too cool.

    Will

  17. Hey Will,
    I own a ’64 SS-4L in primo condition which I love. And a Silvertone modelled after the ’65 WG-4L which is silky. I was turned on to the Teisco by Flip Scipio, an amazing guitarist and luthier who lives here in NYC. He did all the work on the two Teiscos with a beautiful, delicate touch and an instinct to just leave things be. I don’t get to play them as much as I’d like what with the FUCKING SHIT going on with Delirious. I checked out the Momentum Pictures UK site and you are right; there is absolutely no mention of Delirious. So, now I’ll have to see what happened.
    “Pretty And Twisted” sounds cool. I’ll look around for it.
    You keep me posted on what new music you’re making, and listening to.
    best,
    Tom

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